vanilla flowers

Womanish Wanderings

wander, wandering -
To move about without a definite destination or purpose.
To go by an indirect route or at no set pace.
To proceed in an irregular course; meander.
To lose clarity or coherence of thought or expression.
Moving about freely; not fixed.

These days... I am living my vanilla days. And wondering... What can one write on happiness? The bitter-sweet, all-enveloping feeling that takes over you, inside-out and from the outside-within...

These days... I am in love. That’s such a selfish statement! What more can one write on that? The weird thing about trying to write on it is that I find myself mentally confronted with a long row of masterpieces, written, sung, danced and played that make me feel like just another reflection in the same thousands-years-old mirror of love. On the other hand... I feel like the song and the lyrics and the dance within has never been as unique before, I feel like there has never been such a dance before and, when breathless, feel like there will never be a dance like this again...

These days... I could use a dictionary. So that I can find/ reinvent the proper worded expressions for loving someone. One for yesterday, one for today, one for the moments when I wake up besides you, one for when you make fun of me and get me pissed and one for when you take me in your arms and I feel small. One for the fact that your departures always imply a return, one for you letting me do it “my way” and so, so many for all our fears and hopes.

These days... I have not felt so free but so lost in the same time for years... As I feel so much more myself these days! But I am oh, so much more lost in wanderings, womanish wanderings! I am discovering so much within and so much outside, learning to be a woman and a mother and a child.

What can one write on happiness? What is the dance I am dancing? What are the words for me? What is the border between so much of me and plenty of you?

And so I say: “...don't call me a liar, Just believe everything that I say. There are six BILLION people in the world; More or less; and it makes me feel quite small. But you're the one I love the most of all.”

It is a particularly bright, sunny morning. And I have decided that wandering is ok. That all my womanish wanderings are ok. That not everything has to be defined, worded out or bordered. That there’s no border between so much of me and plenty of you and I’m perfectly fine with that! All bitter-sweet. And magic. Thanks!

the dragony waters? rather beyond...

"Here Be Dragons"

I’ve read that in ancient times, cartographers would label uncharted waters with “Here be Dragons”.

Today, we label our inner uncharted waters with “Here be Dragons”.

“Here be Dragons” for everything that is outside our comfort zone, “Here be Dragons” for everything that goes against what others expect from us, “Here be Dragons” for everything that bends or breaks the rules or the norms of the society we live in and “Here be Dragons” for everything that is (appears) to us as unattainable.

Don’t remember when it started but I found myself questioning: “What are the Dragons?”... “Do Dragons really exist?”...“Are they really Dragons?” And while people around me kept themselves busy with defining the types and cathegories of Dragons, mapping “The Dragons History”, making up “7 Habits for a Safe Dragonless life”, “Practical Tools for Staying outside Dragon waters” and the all times best-seller, “Apocalypse Now- The Dragon Attack!” I got increasingly turned on by the hypothesis of the Dragons not being there at all. The feeling grew in intensity until one day I decided to start sailing amidst and beyond “Dragony” waters.

Outside my comfort zone I almost drowned a couple of times but found instead of Dragons a new intensity and a renewed meaning for my life. Against what others expected of me these days I dropped the newly aquired cozy benefits and safe perspectives of a well paid job, the car and the fancy corporate lifestyle for being the next MCVP People Development of AIESEC in Austria. I am, was and will be judged, labeled as insane or crazy. Instead of Dragons outside comfy zone, I discovered a cause to live by. Bending and breaking the rules I am honest rather than conforming, aiming high rather than being complacent, aspiring and aiming to inspire rather than blend in. I always choose to play the game, choose to let myself fall in and out of love, to selfishly jump into things and consciously admit to being hurt. Beyond bending and breaking the rules I found no Dragons but a world of feelings, emotions, connections, unbelievable happiness and painfull desilusions. I found love and lost love and found love again. I found a way to growing into living and loving every second that is being given to me. As for the unattainable? They say, “Stability” I say “Revolution”, they say “Pragmatism”, I say “Fearless Dreaming”, thay say “Too good to be true”, I say “Be a Believer!”, they say “Let’s plan”, I say “Let’s build!”, they say “Good enough”, I say “Ultimate Beauty Only!”

I have no knowledge of swimming except from what I keep learning while in the water. I might die drowning at all times or I might be so wrong in what I believe and actually get eaten by a Dragon (!). But I know one thing: Columbus did not believe in “Here be Dragons” but in the land beyond. Milions of others feared the Dragons. We do not hold any memory of their names. But we do know that if it wasn’t for Columbus, the world wouldn’t have been the same.

I believe in beyond! I’m riding the boat along with other believers. Some have drowned or got back home. We still believe. Anyone else fancy a ride?

“Here be NO Dragons!” Or else...