Past Wedding Phobia

phobia: "A persistent, abnormal, and irrational fear of a specific thing or situation that compels one to avoid it, despite the awareness and reassurance that it is not dangerous."

So... Weddings. That one thing that little girls dream of when they are small. Me included. That particular event that in your childish unripened mind means the big-super-dooper-happyend, the irrevocable arrival of never-ending happiness. The event! The only dress ever that you dream of for years, that you fall asleep thinking of so you feel better after a random grey day. And all of these, without a single worry as for... who are you marrying with? That tiny aspect is one of the side details, less worrying as the dress, the setting, the guests. It is that aspect that by default, will be solved by time.

Now, what happens as the little girls grow up? At a certain point in time, after becoming sick of having it all planned and set except for the miraculous arrival of Prince Charming, the balance slowly, slowly turns pushing down the wedding scenario and giving (finally!) more priority to the "who are you marrying with?" question. But as most things in life, behind all that... it's a process ;).

What I did? First time was basic: I had the guy, he would have married me but then again I was nineteen and decided that there's more of life to be lived. So we broke up.

Second time it was self-complication: lots of sparkles and fireworks, I was still seeing marriage as "the final frontier" but we entered a third degree-equation featuring time, place and distances and got so lost into figuring out a decent solution that we simply dropped it.

Time proved it right but for me then, at twenty-one, it started seeming that I'm running against tight dead-lines so... I rushed. I rushed into another relationship that I insisted on painting in golden coat. It was the critical point in which it seemed that having someone to walk down the aisle with is worth pushing some dirt under the carpet. Well, actually lots of dirt... So it basically became lots of dirt, constantly overlooked as I was "serving" the higher purpose: childhood dream to be fulfilled, have the wedding done, skip the "minor flaws".
Luckily, as I was nearly proposed, I saw it coming down on me at full speed and somehow miraculously woke up: the marriage in itself is not the bloody purpose!!!! It is merely a consequence, the spoken out and legalized version of a pre-existent truth, a place that you build and create along with someone not the frantic rush of getting someone in the place you already built ages ago.

The implicit consequence of this awakening was for me... The wedding phobia! Irrespective I was twenty-three by now, irrespective all previous plans and thoughts and energy put into, I declared full embargo and decided to chill. Totally chill out of it.


This week-end was the official breach, me totally getting past of my "self-inflicted" wedding phobia. I am grateful to Irina and Stefan for making up such an amazing couple that I feel like I have so much to learn from! Yep, they were the bride and groom ;)! I am grateful to all my friends that have put up with me when in denial and exacerbated independence (yeah Gabiza, you're definitely one ;))!

But most of all, there's one person I am grateful to, for being my partner in a journey that finally brings me peace of mind, that finally feels like the proper equation of time, space and distances and for being together in a relationship that (at last!!!) is not a countdown to an imaginary walk down the aisle while at the same time sanely not excluding it as a possible "consequence" :).