The Out-of-the-Ordinary Gabiza

In line with “-Doctor, it hurts when I do this. -Then don't do that!” and
“-Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do? -Limp!” (Henny Youngman) we had an unforgettable night last night.

So after a long day, Bogdan and I arrive punctually at the airport at midnight to pick up the lovely Gabiza, our dearest friend.

Who is Gabiza you might ask? Well, try this: blend passion with boldness, energy with guts, mix with booming personality and season it with crazy bits and you're almost there! And if you add non-conformism and random chances you might even be able to figure out why last night was so last night.

After the casual one-hour waiting in the airport stuff, we finally see Gabiza out of the gates. All well, we assumed, only to be contradicted by our lovely chick that was up for a war on abdominal pains. After the 20 mins drive to city center and an equally lengthy argumentation, we decide to casually switch destination homesleep to emergency room in Floreasca hospital. 2 AM.

3AM. A couple of chats and analyses further we walk back for the third time into the doctor's cabinet with a third set of examinations. And despite symptoms being randomly strange the doctor decides to go for the all-purpose-abdominal-pain diagnostic: appendicitis. 3.30AM.

4AM. Our out-of-the-Ordinary friend Gabiza, trading the cozy homey sleep for the hospital bed and going past a fit of nerves on the odds of randomness is being installed for the famous appendicitis operation.

1PM. Post-operatory chat: "How are you honey?" "All well, kicking grandmas' asses at poker :P!" "Cool! How did it all went?" "Smooth! Nothing wrong with my appendices! There was something else there. Got it solved. Removed my appendices too since they were around anyway!"

Hip hip hurray for the preventive medical policies of our lovely doctors! So hon, no worries now, your appendices was healthy but never mind that, you got rid of it preventively! Just take care the next time when you get a soar throat, they might preventively pull out the amygdales for you, just to make sure!

And a last one, for the record ;): "An orgasm a day keeps the doctor away!" (Mae West)

Visual Update

It hit me yesterday! Some of you might actually have no clue that my hair is short now for example ;) :P.

So, walking my talk, I put up a more consistent visual update, a flickr photo gallery. You can find it at www.flickr.com/photos/lexyg and I also added up a link in the right bar, at my pictures.

I am currently in a process of discovering some more tricks I could do to my blog but it will still take some time.

Take care! Hugs, Lexy

No Time

In a field like the one I’m in, “no time” is labeled as “disease” and a thorough and meticulous treatment of self-management is applied.

In a field like the one I’m in, I’m in love with and passionate by the degree of self-awareness I need to constantly build up so as to perform and walk my talk.

Being who I am and where I am, I sometimes hate it that I cannot possibly hide behind the ever-so-popular excuse of having “no time” to do this and that without being fully aware that I am only bullshitting myself. Actually, there are two options: either “no time” means “not important/don’t feel like ever doing it” or “do something about it, DO SOMETHING about it!”

So, here comes upfront truth: today I admitted to myself that having “no time” to write mails that I’ve been meaning to write and to send pictures and thoughts that I’ve been meaning to send is an utter symptom of defective self-management and decided to do something about it! There are at least ten posts on this blog that I’ve been meaning to post and never came round to, there are millions of thoughts directed to people that didn’t get to receive them. Today is a particularly serene evening, an evening that had no special goal a few hours back. And it suddenly hit me: self contentment! When things look oh so sunny and bright and when daily things I am passionate about keep my mind and time filled 24/7. That’s when it hits! The self contentment. The preconceived idea that you are doing so much already that you couldn’t possibly do more. The “no time” for anything else disease. I have it and most probably many of you have it at times… So, at least I might have the chance for some empathy. Comforting. Barely sufficient. The “do something” monster has arisen and no apology in the world can save me from acting upon it!

This post is just the beginning. The outspoken version of an inner torment. The outspoken rebellion against silenced to do’s. And yes, it feels so good to be back in my rebellious shoes from time to time! To start the offensive and despite already doing lots, to do more!

I am happy! And grateful maybe more than ever before! For there are plenty of dreams that daily come true. But remembering that there’s always time to give more is the driver that will ultimately bring you more.

Over and out for now! Take your time! There just might be more available around;)!

:)

Past Wedding Phobia

phobia: "A persistent, abnormal, and irrational fear of a specific thing or situation that compels one to avoid it, despite the awareness and reassurance that it is not dangerous."

So... Weddings. That one thing that little girls dream of when they are small. Me included. That particular event that in your childish unripened mind means the big-super-dooper-happyend, the irrevocable arrival of never-ending happiness. The event! The only dress ever that you dream of for years, that you fall asleep thinking of so you feel better after a random grey day. And all of these, without a single worry as for... who are you marrying with? That tiny aspect is one of the side details, less worrying as the dress, the setting, the guests. It is that aspect that by default, will be solved by time.

Now, what happens as the little girls grow up? At a certain point in time, after becoming sick of having it all planned and set except for the miraculous arrival of Prince Charming, the balance slowly, slowly turns pushing down the wedding scenario and giving (finally!) more priority to the "who are you marrying with?" question. But as most things in life, behind all that... it's a process ;).

What I did? First time was basic: I had the guy, he would have married me but then again I was nineteen and decided that there's more of life to be lived. So we broke up.

Second time it was self-complication: lots of sparkles and fireworks, I was still seeing marriage as "the final frontier" but we entered a third degree-equation featuring time, place and distances and got so lost into figuring out a decent solution that we simply dropped it.

Time proved it right but for me then, at twenty-one, it started seeming that I'm running against tight dead-lines so... I rushed. I rushed into another relationship that I insisted on painting in golden coat. It was the critical point in which it seemed that having someone to walk down the aisle with is worth pushing some dirt under the carpet. Well, actually lots of dirt... So it basically became lots of dirt, constantly overlooked as I was "serving" the higher purpose: childhood dream to be fulfilled, have the wedding done, skip the "minor flaws".
Luckily, as I was nearly proposed, I saw it coming down on me at full speed and somehow miraculously woke up: the marriage in itself is not the bloody purpose!!!! It is merely a consequence, the spoken out and legalized version of a pre-existent truth, a place that you build and create along with someone not the frantic rush of getting someone in the place you already built ages ago.

The implicit consequence of this awakening was for me... The wedding phobia! Irrespective I was twenty-three by now, irrespective all previous plans and thoughts and energy put into, I declared full embargo and decided to chill. Totally chill out of it.


This week-end was the official breach, me totally getting past of my "self-inflicted" wedding phobia. I am grateful to Irina and Stefan for making up such an amazing couple that I feel like I have so much to learn from! Yep, they were the bride and groom ;)! I am grateful to all my friends that have put up with me when in denial and exacerbated independence (yeah Gabiza, you're definitely one ;))!

But most of all, there's one person I am grateful to, for being my partner in a journey that finally brings me peace of mind, that finally feels like the proper equation of time, space and distances and for being together in a relationship that (at last!!!) is not a countdown to an imaginary walk down the aisle while at the same time sanely not excluding it as a possible "consequence" :).

Full Tasting Tomato ;)

The full taste of things!

“The purpose of life, after all, is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experiences.” Eleanor Roosevelt

A fully ripped tomato that you bite into. A strong hug that says more than 1000 words. A look deep in the eyes. A trip to a land far away. An adventure. An AIESEC conference that rushes the blood. A gang of crazy people. A burst of laughter that shakes you. A tear in the corner of the eye. A coffee with a friend. A dance. A song that is born within. A kiss. The kiss. Your kisses.

I am grateful for feeling the full taste of things, of life! It’s like living in the land of Fairies where stories envelope and magic never ceases to reveal itself.

Wonderful times! Early this week I got back from Lithuania where I was facilitating ITC 06. It was the kick-ass, magic, unforgettable experience! Indeed the full taste of things! From laughter to connections to emotions to sharpness. From details to big picture and back. From soul to soul. With passion. With love. With loads of shameless fun. My heart shall stay connected. ‘Cause there’s so much full taste in the memories of Yoda Petros Mr. Chair, Magneto Manish the Cathedral builder, Dr. Evil & Creative Chaos Scotty Babe, Mini Me Delegates Lover Green Caro, Color Changing Self-Aware Dr. Vader Matthias, Blue Bulgarian with the USB Mimmy and Dead Puppies Stormy Gabiza. ‘Cause there are so many connections in all thoughts of Bumble Bees! Guys, you all rock and I send out a big thanks for all that we built together!

Magic times! Magic times of peace of mind, of being in love and serene, of being happy to be back in your arms ;). The full taste of things once more! The full taste of your kisses, your hugs, your whispers, the full taste of you.

I will soon take your hand and go out in the sun to make sure I count all clouds before they become something else. I will lie there breathing the sunlight and getting riper and riper each day. And feeling as beautiful and as crazy as I feel, as grateful and as magic as it gets is feeling the full taste of things, of life!

Today I have learned…

That the rewriting of history cannot be done by returning into the past but by shaping the future.

That if I make wishes from deep within they come true. Although the path reveals itself slowly, slowly, we should follow it. Never rush. Always listen. See. Connect the dots.

That since I know where I’m heading to professionally, I have tons of ways to get there. As long as I stay focused. Alert. On the purpose rather than on the methods.

That we sometimes fail miserably. That we sometimes take wrong decisions. That we do, invariably, make mistakes. That we do, invariably hurt and get hurt. But that we also, always, have a choice. A different option. A breathing space true to our nature at the time.

That there are always wide fields within and outside to be explored. The horizon is a preconception of our limited inner and outer perception not a truth in itself.

That when in doubt, we tend to turn to cozy well-known spots rather than go beyond. But the unseen is to be known not to be denied.

That we not need to be bold or brave or glamorous or dead-drop sexy or unbelievably wise to be loved by others. We just need to be ourselves. We just need to love ourselves to be loved back. We just need to be as open and truthful and supportive and caring as we expect the others to be. And we should admit to our mistakes rather than think small of ourselves. That we should value ourselves to be valued by others. And always, always, be grateful.

That there are times in life for renting and there are times in life for buying. Both in the end can prove to be lousy investments. But both can be valuable if we learn from them. And at one point, eventually, we should all know what needs to be bought. Or to what we let ourselves be bought in.

Today I have learned… that peace is firstly a state of mind.

T.R.U.T.H.

“I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word in reality. This is why right, temporarily defeated, is stronger than evil triumphant.” (Martin Luther King)

“You’re a liar!” still resounds in my ears when I look back at many moments in my childhood and early adolescence.
They say that if you are told something repeatedly (or tell something to yourself repeatedly), you invariably start to believe it. For a shorter or longer period of time or even… for good. Since I was many times a trouble child (and somewhat trying to get away with it without getting punished), my mother would often call me a liar. Slowly, slowly, I bought into it so much that I really became a liar (especially in relation to my parents), and as I have an insatiable desire of doing things better and better I grew from an average liar into a master-skilled liar, a wonderful “story-teller”! The downside of it was that it somewhat entered my blood and the temptation of lying to save me from hurting, to save appearances, to protect my ego, to save time and so on grew more and more…

Coming to more recent events, I was reading today an article on 121.ro (the web-page for sensational women as they call it) that dealt with how should one (to be read woman) revenge on the other one (to be read man) for being cheated on, left for another or generally put, lied to. It stirred my blood (to be read not in a positive manner) as I found it such a narrow perspective on the situation and generally put, on life itself.

I consider myself lucky. Blessed. Cause’ I have lied so much and for so long that I came to realize its uselessness. Cause’ I have been cheated too, I have cheated myself and I have been the one someone else got cheated with enough times as to realize that this is just an effect of a deeper cause, namely the turning of the truth (or parts of it) into plain, pure lies.

But why are we lying anyway, you might ask? Because we don’t want to hurt, because we don’t want to hurt someone else some good Samaritans might say. Yeah, right, I can remember myself saying that as well… “He/ she is such a nice person and I did this and that and they shouldn’t know ‘cause they will get hurt!” Let’s face it! What we actually fear, at all times, what we actually try to avoid confronting ourselves with is ALWAYS something related mainly to us. Losing our status, our image, our significance, our self-worth at times, our freedom, our rights, our comfort zones… All fears that in the end come down to us hurting.

Last year after what I decided it was enough lying to others or myself (that’s a nasty one) and being lied to I took one decision. Simply put: T.R.U.T.H.

I have gone through enough as to realize that WHATEVER we do we cannot avoid hurting at times. I have been playing so many games (to be read revenge included) for so many times as to realize that what mostly matters actually is not the absence of hurt but the presence of significance in our daily life. Significance = substance = content = deep connections = relevance = trust = communication = really knowing the people around and being known for who you REALLY ARE.

I’ve been hurt many times. I am sure I will hurt some more. But I believe that we could not tell what happiness is if we would not know what hurting is. And both happiness and hurt come in their fullest, deepest shape when you let go, when you take off all barriers and all armors. And what would life be without the full taste of things? Without those bitter-sweet sensations that last for years and years and you can still feel them within, deeply enrooted in your being?

Truth might hurt. But lying not only hurts, it also kills self-worth, it casts a deep grey shadow of doubt on our previous image of others, it separates us from the others and sends us in a dark, narrow, far off place… disconnected. With self and with others.
As truth is nothing big or absolute. It is just the expression of who we are and what we feel at a certain moment in time. It is the vivid reflection of self that we allow others to see. And that makes them know US. As we truly are. For real. And that makes our whole life for real. Be it pain or ecstasy. IT IS!

Every day, I challenge myself to have the courage to be. Myself. No pretense. So that you always know me for whom I am, so that I always know you for who you are. And since I know you and you know me, we would understand each other easier. As we know each others contexts, dreams, fears, doubts, likes and dislikes. And that builds significance. And I see no point in ever believing that I am being injusticed if I KNOW YOU. So I shall never need to think of revenge.

"When you shoot an arrow of truth, dip its point in honey." (Arab Proverb)